~God
When pondering if we should do IVF we asked Heavenly Father and felt very good and very confident about our answer. This made it so much more difficult to understand why it didn't work. We have used up almost everything we had to make this dream possible. What we had left in our emotional and spiritual reserves have been the most difficult to restore. Each day I struggle to figure out what the meaning of this trial is, but I have learned a great deal about faith and patience during our whole fertility journey.
~The Science
Our fertility doctor was able to retrieve eight eggs. We received a call from him three days after the retrieval and he said that four fertilized eggs had grown to embryos, but they were growing slowly. This is not a good sign. He finally called again a few days later and said that we are still on for the transfer. At this point everything looked good. On the day of transfer he said that two of the embryos were growing and were of good quality. We were finally told to come to the clinic for the transfer. Words can't describe how excited we were. We were able to watch on a monitor as the doctor transferred the embryos. I'll never forget his words when we arrived at the clinic that day. He said the two embryos they were transferring had become a miracle because the cells were dividing and growing at a normal pace. This means that we would be pregnant very soon. Chad and I looked at each other and smiled, his hand holding mine, and we knew that we were parents. The nurse said there was no turning back, we are parents. We smiled again. Two weeks later we found out our beautiful twins did not make it. We had every reason to believe that they were going to grow to be our babies. Why didn't they live? They were healthy, and they were miracles. They were growing cells, they were life. They now had the potential to grow and have heartbeats. But our babies didn't grow, they died. The months since then have been a blur.
We talked with our doctor after we got the results of our BIG FAT NEGATIVE. He said that every female has good cycles and bad cycles any given month. Our IVF failed because it happened to fall on a bad month. How are you supposed to know? There's no way of knowing. It's a gamble, an extremely expensive one. He said that I was a great responder to the injection protocol and that he would do the same protocol in the future.
It is known in the fertility world that IVF is the last and most promising step to being able to have a baby when all else fails. Our only hope has faded from the dream we've been chasing for more than five years.
In the past there was no diagnosis after all the mountains of fertility testing we had done. Our current fertility doctor diagnosed me as having mild endometriosis which is "mild", but is apparently enough to cause me fertility complications. When trying to conceive on our own the fertilized eggs aren't able to pass through to the uterus from the tubes because of the toxins that endo causes - it blocks the pathway. We also discussed my symptoms with past cycles and doctor said I was having symptoms of pregnancy, but because of the toxins the endo causes it was terminating my pregnancies. This wasn't surprising to me. Deep down I knew that I had been pregnant countless times. I realized that these symptoms are occurring for about eight months out of every twelve.
Above is a picture of our twins. They would have been born next month. I still think to this day that one was a boy and the other a girl. Just a feeling I always had. Simply said, they were too beautiful for earth.
The song "My Immortal" was playing during the transfer. I still shed tears whenever I hear it. It will always take me back to that day I thought would make me happy for the rest of my life.
