Sweet Child O' Mine

I'm grateful for the blessings in my life.  I'm especially grateful for this special girl who I love so much.  She is like a daughter to me.

Shortly after Sadie came into this world, I had the opportunity to spend lots of time with her as I lived with her and her mom.  I had endless love for that little girl and I felt a desire to help take care of her.

My sister tried to make it on her own for a while, but Sadie was eventually put into my mom's care and custody, which I'm grateful for.  I am also grateful that I still got to see her a lot.  I wanted to continue to be there for Sadie after I moved far away, but even though there was lots of time away, we are finally at a place in our lives where we can see each other as much we want.  I will always will be there for her; a constant and pure unconditional and unwavering love that is here to stay.

When Sadie was eight years old, I had to say goodbye to her indefinitely - seven years.  I moved to Utah so Chad and I could get married and so he could finish university.  It was difficult to leave.  I prayed about it and knew in my heart that Sadie would understand, and that I would live near her again one day.  I also felt that we would still see her a lot.  It turns out that we were able to see her at least twice a year, even with all those miles in between us.  She came to stay with Chad and I every summer for a month, and we got to see her almost every Christmas for at least a few weeks... still not enough time though.  I'll never forget that vision the day I moved and had to say goodbye.  On our way to the airport, my mom and I dropped Sadie off at school.  She gave me a big hug and said, "I will really miss you, aunty".  It broke my heart!  I watched her as she ran to the doors of the school with her adorable bouncing pigtails and her cute little Disney Princess jacket on.  I didn't know when I'd live near her again.

I'm so grateful for the love that Chad has come to have for Sadie.  He adores her... just like a dad who adores his daughter.  I love how wonderful he is with her.  He frequently talks to her on the phone, and asks details about how her life is going when she stays with us on weekends.  They love hanging out and getting frozen yogurt and DQ treats.  I love seeing them together and how much they enjoy their time together.

Sadie just turned seventeen, and with each year I'm proud of how beautiful and amazing she has turned out to be.  I feel more than blessed that God has directed my life where it is today and for blessing me with her.  I seriously couldn't have been blessed with a more wonderful "daughter" in my life.  She is beautiful, intelligent, creative, fun-loving, polite, caring and such a good and virtuous girl!  She has a way of making everyone she's around laugh, and she always brightens my day with her beautiful energy.  She's the best.  I love you, Sadie.

Sadie edited this picture and emailed it to me when we lived apart.  I thought it was the sweetest thing!

Failed IVF - Overcoming Our Loss

Chad and I did a cycle of  IVF (invitro fertilization) last May/June in Las Vegas.  Unfortunately, it failed.  It has been several months, but we are still going through a great deal of depression.  Words can't describe how taxing it is in every way.  It has changed who we are and has taken every passion from us.  It is all we can do to eat, pray, and merely function.  We have seen some deep, dark valleys.  Some days we are able to see some light, but there are still "those" days.  If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.  We are building a foundation that nothing can shake.  Our spirituality is strong because we believe in enduring to the end.  Our testimonies have been stronger, but it is through times like these that the strength of our testimonies in the past are carrying us now.  We have tried and done everything the Lord has asked.  Now we get to take a much deserved break and just enjoy each other.  We are becoming stronger in our marriage.  We love each other so much.


~God
When pondering if we should do IVF we asked Heavenly Father and felt very good and very confident about our answer.  This made it so much more difficult to understand why it didn't work.  We have used up almost everything we had to make this dream possible. What we had left in our emotional and spiritual reserves have been the most difficult to restore.  Each day I struggle to figure out what the meaning of this trial is, but I have learned a great deal about faith and patience during our whole fertility journey.


~The Science
Our fertility doctor was able to retrieve eight eggs.  We received a call from him three days after the retrieval and he said that four fertilized eggs had grown to embryos, but they were growing slowly.  This is not a good sign.  He finally called again a few days later and said that we are still on for the transfer.  At this point everything looked good.  On the day of transfer he said that two of the embryos were growing and were of good quality.  We were finally told to come to the clinic for the transfer.  Words can't describe how excited we were.  We were able to watch on a monitor as the doctor transferred the embryos.  I'll never forget his words when we arrived at the clinic that day.  He said the two embryos they were transferring had become a miracle because the cells were dividing and growing at a normal pace.  This means that we would be pregnant very soon.  Chad and I looked at each other and smiled, his hand holding mine, and we knew that we were parents.  The nurse said there was no turning back, we are parents.  We smiled again.  Two weeks later we found out our beautiful twins did not make it.  We had every reason to believe that they were going to grow to be our babies.  Why didn't they live?  They were healthy, and they were miracles.  They were growing cells, they were life.  They now had the potential to grow and have heartbeats.  But our babies didn't grow, they died.  The months since then have been a blur.


We talked with our doctor after we got the results of our BIG FAT NEGATIVE.  He said that every female has good cycles and bad cycles any given month.  Our IVF failed because it happened to fall on a bad month.  How are you supposed to know?  There's no way of knowing.  It's a gamble, an extremely expensive one.  He said that I was a great responder to the injection protocol and that he would do the same protocol in the future.


It is known in the fertility world that IVF is the last and most promising step to being able to have a baby when all else fails.  Our only hope has faded from the dream we've been chasing for more than five years.


In the past there was no diagnosis after all the mountains of fertility testing we had done.  Our current fertility doctor diagnosed me as having mild endometriosis which is "mild", but is apparently enough to cause me fertility complications.  When trying to conceive on our own the fertilized eggs aren't able to pass through to the uterus from the tubes because of the toxins that endo causes - it blocks the pathway.  We also discussed my symptoms with past cycles and doctor said I was having symptoms of pregnancy, but because of the toxins the endo causes it was terminating my pregnancies.  This wasn't surprising to me.  Deep down I knew that I had been pregnant countless times.  I realized that these symptoms are occurring for about eight months out of every twelve.  


Above is a picture of our twins.  They would have been born next month.  I still think to this day that one was a boy and the other a girl.  Just a feeling I always had.  Simply said, they were too beautiful for earth.


The song "My Immortal" was playing during the transfer.  I still shed tears whenever I hear it.  It will always take me back to that day I thought would make me happy for the rest of my life.

Happy Easter!

Chad's brother and dad came down from Utah and stayed with us over Easter weekend.  Michelle (mom) was in Texas staying with my brother and sister-in-law because they just had a baby which means that we have a brand new nephew!  His name is James.  We can't wait to meet him!  Chad's brother, who came and stayed with us, just got home from his mission in France. 

Chad made a bunny cake, it's a family tradition.  It was very very good!  We'll definitley keep that tradition around with our children. 

Once Upon a Time

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Please read in a storytelling voice. ;)

Once upon a time, the Bullen's, the Aitken's, the Jurich, and the Falk's built a fire by the beautiful pristine lake of Lake Mead, surrounded by rolling hills and magical trees, where they had a weiny and a s'more roast.  The village men did a little fishin', and the little tiny munchkins also did a lil' fishin' - the handsome Bullen munchkin and the handsome Falk munchkin.  The littlest Falk munchkin, being the cute guy he is, would much rather hang with the maidens.  Oh yes, we mustn't forget Joey the rottweiler (the Aitken's munchkin), who loved following the little munchkins around and being thier protector. 

It was a very beautiful evening when all of a sudden a car full of wicked teenagers pulled up... or I should say,  accidentaly drove into the lake.  They got stuck on the gravel at the bottom of the hill.  They thought it would be wise to drive into the lake so that they could float thier way out of being unstuck... but, AT LAST... that didn't work.  So the teenagers, in thier sheer wickedness, sent thier most decieving princesses to come ask the men of the village to pull them out.  The men, being strong and mighty, thought they should be nice to the princesses, so they went and got them unstuck.  Luckily, the wicked teenagers decided to drive away and never look back, and leave the people of the villiage alone who were trying to have a weiny roast.  And they all lived happily ever after.

I musn't forget the story about the weekend before that. Chad and Mandy went to the majestic Hoover Dam with an army of great and strong men and women.  There's not much to this fable so I shall end it here, but there are some pictures.  They all lived happily ever after. 

The damn Dam

The new damn overpass... er, oops, I mean the new overpass (behind me).

Friends

This is a little late.  I've been wanting to put some pics up of some (out of town) friends that we got to see last fall.  My friend Leah, who I've been friends with since grade 5, came to Vegas from Rocky Mountain House, Alberta with her husband Curtis.  We had a fun night out with them.

We went to Los Angeles, California to an NFL hockey game, Calgary Flames vs LA Kings, with some friends who live there, Lynn & Jason and thier little guy.  It was weird being the minority cheering for the Flames while everyone else was cheering for the Kings.  I was cheering in hushed tones, mostly keeping my excitement inside fearing that I may get dirty looks for cheering for the "wrong" team.  It was kind of funny.  We also went to the observatory which was amazing.    

Red carpet for the CMA Awards behind us.

Lynn & Jason

Observatory

I was looking back on some of my posts from when I started my blog a few years ago.  I'm glad I decided to start one because it was so exciting to look back on it.  I can only imagine what it will be like to look at it a few years from now.  Especially once Chad and I are settled and he has started his career as a dentist.  It has been a great adventure here in Vegas so far.  Chad loves school but he's very excited to be done with it.  I can't say as I blame him!  I can't believe we only have a year (and a few months) left.  I just want to say thanks to everyone that we've gotten to know here who have helped to make our journey a more exciting and pleasurable one!  Thank you also to friends and family who have come from afar to visit us.

Accident Update

"It's not what you achieve in life that matters, it's what you overcome."

It's been four months and a few days since my accident.  I'm still going to chiro, physio, acupuncture, and trigger point therapy every week.  I'm still not one hundred percent but I'm managing to keep my faith and hope every day that I will be back to normal again.  It's like being on a roller coaster ride every day... an emotional and physical one.  I hit a plateau the last few months where I didn't feel good physically at all.  Just the beginning of this week I have been starting to see improvements again.  Finally.  For the most part I am doing good emotionally.  But when my pain sets in, I get depressed and lack enthusiasm.  It's a challenge going from being athletic to only walking on a treadmill.  I'll be fully recovered when I can run 3 miles a day and train with weights, 5 days a week like it used to be in the good ol' days.  So far I can only see that in the distant future.  I think I'm starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Below are the pics of our Murano which did its job.  There are also some pics of some of my battle wounds below.

Scars from the side air bag.

Seatbelt

Christmas 2009

First off, I just want to say - in case you're confused as to why it hasn't happened yet... I was going to go private on my blog, but I discovered a bunch of friends/family coming out of the woodwork who look at it so there's no way I'm going to add everyone's email address one by one.  Mostly because I don't care who the heck looks at it.

We drove to Canada over Chad's Christmas break... yes, drove. We love driving. We had a certain rottweiler who came with us so we pretty much had to. We broke the trip up into several days so that made it more enjoyable.

We stopped in Utah for four days and stayed at the in-laws. Our nieces were there from Texas. We had fun.  It's always exciting to see those little girls. Chad and Joey (dog) pulled them around on a sled. Joey had a make-shift harness on, it was humorous to watch.

Then we journeyed to Canada stopping in Lethbridge (southern Alberta) to spend the night. We were so tired. I think we went to bed around eight. The roads were good for the most part. The mountains in Montana were covered in snow but we were still able to maintain a good speed without falling off.

We had a nice time in Alberta. My mom planned a family trip out to Goldeye Lake where we rented cabins close to the mountains way out in the middle of nowhere... very calm, quiet, and relaxing. It's hard to believe that Goldeye and Vegas are on the same planet let alone same continent! They fed us twice a day including turkey dinner so all we had to do is play for three days. We went skating (played hockey), played Wii, badminton, air hockey, tobogganing, sat beside the fire while my uncles, Chad, and my cousin Jesse played guitar while everyone else sang, and many more fun things! Whoever says they don't like winter and snow is crazy ;).

Enjoy the pics, they aren't necessarily in order but I'll blame Blogger's crappy pic uploader for that. I don't have much more to say other than labelling the pics... they pretty much speak for themselves.

The kids helping ice fish by examining the fish (Goldeye).

Sister with kids.

Niece & cousin.

 Part of the gang out at Goldeye.

My dad and nephew.

Shakin' my booty to Wii.

Aw.

My cousins and nieces playing Wii.

Hockey time (nephew & bro).  Goldeye Lake, Alberta, Canada.

Chad, Joey, Grace, Holly (in Utah).

The hockey gang.

Chad all Canadianed-up.

Cute nephew.

More of the gang (out at Goldeye).

Moi.

It's Complicated.

As most of you already know, I had to quit my new job.  I was only there for a few weeks, and while I already knew that it was questionable as to whether I should work there, I quickly had it confirmed to me as I put forth a real effort to make it work.  It was the best decision for me at this time.  The title of this blog is very appropriate... it is very complicated.  I will explain.  However, there are a few things that I need to focus on right now which I won't be disclosing.  Nothing serious, just a few things that are going to require a lot of focus and lots of my time. 

Let me begin by saying that this was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.  It was really a no-brainer actually but it was still a very, very tough decision to make.  After I spoke to my manager to resign I cried my eyes out.  Thanks for your reassurance that I made the right decision Chad.  Let me just make this clear... I wanted nothing more than to work at Aria.  The couple of weeks I was there were great.  I quickly made great friends with my co-workers and managers, and they were really fun people to be around.  The environment was great to work in and I LOVED the position I had.  I was working in casino accounting where I was responsible for DOR (Daily Operations Revenue).  I was responsible for all the numbers coming in from the tables, poker, slots, etc (everything from the casino).  Basically I analyzed and balanced ledgers to hand in to my accounting manager.  It was seriously one of the top 3 jobs I've ever had.  I talked with my manager about coming back, possibly in a few months when things settle down for me, and he said he would love to have me back. 

The only downfall of the job (well, there are a few) is that I was required to be there for 50-60 hours a week.  That would have been fine except I wouldn't have had time to go to my chiro & physio appointments.  Very important considering I'm still recovering from whiplash from my accident (I accepted the job offer before my accident).  Not to mention, I wasn't feeling very good by the time I got off work because my body's still healing.  I had no energy by the time I got off of work in the evenings and days off.  The other thing is that I wouldn't have gotten any weekends off.  Once I started training and getting to know my responsibilities and what was required of me (I was the only working in the Daily Operations Revenue Department), I quickly realized that it would be impossible for me to get weekends off.... that's just the nature of the casino business.  Accounting needs to be done on a daily basis... that also explains why I would have had to work so many hours a week.  Juggling that with Chad's dental school was just not going to work for us.  Before I started the job Chad and I were talking about if I should work there for the single reason alone that I would have to work during the day on Sunday's making it impossible for me to ever go to church.  He said that where one blessing is given and then sacrificed in His name, a greater blessing will be given.  He is so right, that's my husband.

There you have it.  It is complicated, and that's why I have written a blog about it.  It is the story of my life... that I come into a great opportunity only to have it taken from me due to life's circumstances, but at the same time it has put me where I am and made me who I am.  I have no regrets with any decisions I've ever made.  Where one opportunity falls another arises... and it's always for the better, and here I am.  My life is amazing.

Naturalization Ceremony

Last Friday, November 13th I had my naturalization ceremony where I became a citizen of the United States.  On Monday, November 2nd I went to the UCIS office (Bureau of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services) where I had to pass a test and have an interview with an agent of the federal government and immigration services.  I was given a civics test manual of 100 questions to study from including principles of American democracy, systems of governments, rights and responsibilities, the colonial period and independence, the 1800's, recent American history and other historical information, geography, and symbols.   I got 100% on my test and the interview went perfectly.  Needless to say, I was given a warm welcome to be a citizen of one of two of the best countries in the world!  (Canada being the other, of course.).  Chad and I have been through so much with immigration since I moved here 5.5 years ago.  We have finally reached an end and feel like we've had a huge load lifted off our shoulders now that we'll never have to deal with U.S. immigration again, what a great feeling!  We do still plan on moving to Canada when we're done with dental school but at least we can have the assurity and confidence of knowing that we can come back here without any further problems... and who knows, we may just decide to retire here one day.  Besides, as far as I'm concerned, there isn't a border between the U.S. and Canada.  I am more American than you may think.  My ancestors in America go back about 10,000 years.  Some of them (my native ancestors) migrated to Canada from the United States several generations ago - known to you as the First Nations/Native Americans.  Many of my relatives on my maternal side migrated from Europe to New York and then eventually came to Canada so there is a lot of history there as well.  I'm kind of angry that I even had to go through the immigration process.  My dad's a U.S. citizen and that would have been an automatic entrance for me if I would have applied before I was 18... oh well, it's done now!

I want to start off with saying that I'm really sorry if you weren't able to make it to the ceremony because it was that great of an experience and really a once-in-a-lifetime event.  I tried inviting everyone local I could think of and sent out an invitation as a formality to close friends and family even though I knew some of you couldn't make it because of distance.  I also want to thank those who showed up and shared this AMAZING experience with me.  I would also like to thank those who RSVP'd to show their support even though they couldn't make it, it meant a lot to me.  A big thanks to Chad's parents for driving all the way from Utah to share this special ceremony with me... THANK YOU!!!

"The Experience"
Wow, wow and wow... have I stressed that enough?  I will try to type this without getting emotional but at least if I do, you can't see me... one of the wonderful aspects of the blogging world.  I'm not great with expressing my emotions in front of others. 
Chad and I were talking about the ceremony last Sunday night and what it meant to us.   We were both getting teary eyed as we talked about the emotions and feelings "in the air" that were surrounding everyone at the ceremony.  There were 80 immigrants from 35 different countries who became American citizens that day, and many spectators.  Everyone took turns and stood up to introduce themselves to say which country they were from to the presiding judge.  A few selected new citizens stood up and shared their stories about becoming citizens and how they came to America for better lives; from poverty and generations of dreams of hoping to come here one day.  The judge shared a talk on how immigrants come here to obtain better lives.  It was really emotional as he talked about the rights so many don't have - how in some countries women don't even have the right to drive or vote, and are treated badly, etc., and there obviously aren't the opportunities in many countries like there are here as far as an honest living, education, and overall quality of life.  He also talked about how the people who immigrate to the U.S. usually always succeed with their dreams and work hard because they are very grateful for the opportunities given to them... I think that many Americans and Canadians can really learn from the examples immigrants are and for their hard work and all that they contribute.  A lot of them came from nothing and worked hard and were eventually granted freedoms and citizenship so they too can experience life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness... does that sound familiar?  They are the 3 rights in the Declaration of Independence, for all people are born of natural rights that no government can take away, as declared by Thomas Jefferson and the other Founding Fathers.  One other thing Chad and I discussed was togetherness - how all of these immigrants coming together felt as one; the smiles on thier faces and the love that everyone felt for each other was phenomenal.  It was as though we were all one big happy family with big dreams and unwaivering hopes and desires to accomplish every goal imaginable.  No more division, all one nation, and forget that anyone was thinking about being either democrats or republicans or somewhere in between - I doubt there were any feelings of division to anyone there, only feelings of unity.  People in this country fight too much.  They are so worried and focused on who is right and wrong, who has the best/worst ideas, the mistakes and shortcomings of others, namely leaders.  Everyone seems to be missing the point.  The  fighting, name-calling, and bashing each other based on which political party we belong to is not the point of living in a free country rich with so many blessings.  After all, we are all supposed to be one nation under God.  Speaking of leaders, we watched a message from Obama and recieved letters from Senator Reid & Senator Ensign. Unfortunately they were both out of town and couldn't attend the ceremony. 

It was really neat to learn about the Constitution.  It gave me great insight as to how the government operates; how the Framers of the Constitution wanted to limit powers of the governments by separating them into different branches... how brilliant!  It's neat to know that the Founding Fathers were fore-ordained by Heavenly Father so that the U.S. can be built on the structure it's on, including the amendments and the Bill of Rights so that we can always be assured of our individual rights and liberties. 

You have just read the blog of one of the newest U.S. citizens in America today.  I'm so happy, and on the day of my ceremony I was running high on adrenaline all day.  I truly do feel great loyalties to this country and will stand up and fight for its freedoms.   I'm grateful that my husband is in the National Guard serving those who fight and defend this country and that I have the honour of saying that I'm the wife of a National Guard Officer.  Until next time my fellow Americans & Canadians.  I love you all.

4th Quilt - Autumn Log Cabin

This is the first log cabin quilt I've made.  And I have to say, I did enjoy working on it BUT, log cabin quilts get kind of monotonous, the bigger they are.  This one is just a little smaller than a twin size but still big enough to be repetetive.  I couldn't imagine doing one any bigger unless I gave myself way more time to work on it.  This one took a couple of weeks in total and it's 35 squares.  It has vibrant fall colours and is a great addition to my fall decorations and home decor.  It was fun but I'm not sure how soon I'll do another log cabin.  Thanks for the great tips on the binding mom, it turned out really good!